My suffering! What is happening in my soul, I do not know how to express it, but Jesus does; he knows the extent of it. He knows that I am not lying, that I do not live to deceive. Anyway, Jesus knows and only He can ask me to account for it.
I feel I am a world of sin, of decay. I feel I am a world of coldness and ingratitude. I feel I am a world of forgetfulness and contempt for Jesus and feel that I am a world of blood.
What pain it is for me to feel that all I have done is nothing, and that I can do nothing more for the world! But, my God, what have I done, if all that I suffer and all that I do doesn’t belong to me? How can I feel that I have done anything for the salvation of the world? I did not give my life for it, even if I have offered that life to Jesus.
What is this world of blood that I feel I am? You know, O my God, and that's enough. It seems to me that all mankind is bathed in it.
Oh, if I knew what I could do to save it! And the poor little children of limbo? I do not give up my petitions, my requests to Jesus to go there and baptize them. Oh, if I could! If Jesus consented! I want to be on my knees while the world is the world; of course, always with the grace and power of Jesus, for obtaining from Him this grace to baptize the little children.
It's unbearable, the pain that causes me the memory that they remain a whole eternity without loving Jesus, without seeing Him, without praising Him. Alas, alas, my Jesus, it seems that I die with pity for them!
And the souls in hell! ... O my Jesus, it has no end! ... I do not know if I can make myself understand this. My soul feels an unspeakable pain, not exactly for the pain they suffer there, but because they are not able to see God.
Oh, what black suffering! It seems to me more than despair.
My Jesus, I do not know what I say, I want to suffer everything, everything and remedy all these evils.
O my love, O my love, You, yes, You see, You believe in the sincerity of my words, they don’t issue from my mouth only, they come from the depths of my heart, from the midst of the greatest pain and agony of soul.
Yes, my Jesus, You know that it is not charlatanism, as some say that my life is. By your grace and your mercy I never thought of that. Is there something in me that is good and praiseworthy? I do not feel it, I do not know it. But, if there is, it belongs to You, it is not mine.
Oh, how many thorns hurt this heart that no longer exists but to suffer!
It's from the heart that I beg pardon for those who hurt me so cruelly. I am wounded by those who have the least reason to hurt me, but that is also the way I act with You, my Jesus. Forgive me.
My soul feels that many of those who have hurt me now want to wash the slate clean, but they cannot clean me up, I'm in filthy rags, even more soiled than them. Oh, how hurt I am, but I’d rather suffer a million times in innocence than be guilty once. I do not want to lose a moment of my union with God.
I spent the night alert, very alert and asked so many things of my Jesus! Again and again I renewed my offer to be His victim. I thanked Him most for the benefit He gave me of not sleeping so that I could make Him better company, and talk more with Him alone; to live more His life and unburden to Him.
Without my wanting them to, many, many things came to my mind which made me suffer, and I said:
Jesus, I have spent weeks, months and years closed within these poor walls. They and You are witnesses of my agony and tears. Have I done anything to look good, to deserve praise or to deceive? By your great mercy and grace I never have, my Jesus. I am your victim, You have me prisoner here in this room, for love and for souls. I never enjoyed the world or its false joys. My joy, my joy is your love and the salvation of souls.
In this talk, united to Jesus, I was assaulted by the devil. He used his wiles, his malice, and said to me:
— Today it is only with me that you sin, and in order to you sin with more love, fondle me.
He said shameful things I cannot repeat. He did not let me turn to Jesus; only when the combat finished did I manage to do so. And then, a multitude of angels surrounded my bed. Suddenly, I was in my position and the demon retreated, happily, far from his claim that I had sinned.
The vision of angels, the brightness of their light relieved me from my pain. They were aggrieved at facing such a tragedy, but full of compassion for me.
But the words of the devil caused me such pain and left an impression so that it really seemed to me that, when I called on Jesus, it was almost too late and it would only be by his grace that I would not hurt Him.
Many hours have passed, and this fear, this pain, are still strong here in my heart. I received my Jesus so filled with fear and with such pity and fear of having sinned! Oh my God, what’s my life!
The night before this, I fought long with the damned; I fought always over abysses, but varied, some were frightening. Flames of almost black fire surrounded me and made such a noise that it seemed to peel green wood. The devil told me:
— This is the inordinate pleasure, this is the most delicious pleasure. Enjoy, enjoy me, it is so good to enjoy, etc.
I offered to Jesus my sweats, my fear of sinning for those who fear nothing and suffer nothing when they offend Jesus and see Him insulted. I feel that my offer is worth nothing. The pain that causes me all this torture takes the joy and consolation of all from me.
O my God, if I could convince all souls about the suffering in hell! If I could make them know what an offense against You is, the pain it causes to Your loving Heart! I feel ashamed, my Jesus, at doing nothing for You and not knowing how to speak about the pain I feel when You are offended and for not loving You or making You loved. It is the pure truth that leaves my lips and heart, isn´t it, my Jesus? What a great grace that at least You know that I don’t lie, do not deceive. For all this, give me love, love, and souls, always souls.