January 25 1945
The sun has gone and daylight exists no more in the world? It seems to me that a darker and stormier night invaded all. No light, no joy, no life. I died, and I felt that all who are dear to me died.
I had my doctor with me, it seemed to me that I didn’t see him, that he was like one corpse at the foot of another. He, as always, in his goodness and holiness, sought to shake me from my swoon, to instill some courage and confidence into me.
Oh my God, what indifference! It seemed that what he said was not meant for me. I was even afraid of him, very afraid.
Jesus, take everything away from me, give me your divine love in exchange for all that You take away. Give me a world of souls and give me worlds and worlds of Your infinite love.
I want to love You with such love and to love You for that world of souls for whom I pray. I thirst, Jesus, I thirst, I thirst with a thirst that burns and consumes me, a thirst that can never be satiated here on earth. I thirst for love of You, and to see You loved by this world of souls for whom I pray. I thirst to suffer, to suffer until I am not able to suffer more in order to conquer and save this world for You.
O world, O world, although not wanting to belong to you, not wanting to love you, I love you madly, I want you at any cost. O dear world, I cannot leave you without seeing you saved, completely saved.
These cravings, these desires do not belong to me, they do not originate with me. I am death, only death. Let them be for Him to whom they are meant, to belong to whom they belong, they are for Jesus, they are to console Him, they are to love Him.
Bind my heart to Yours, my Jesus, so that nothing can separate us. Bind also to Yourself the hearts of the whole world: I want there to be nothing else in poor humanity but love, pure love for Your Divine Heart. I want this life to be only a life of praise for You.
What more can I desire, Jesus, what more can I suffer? I want to tear my heart out and deliver it burning with the fiercest and most ardent flames and be able say to You: this is the love of all mankind, this is the love of all Your children. Love, Love, My Love: I want to tell You this on behalf of everybody in the world and to suffer for them all without exception.
It´s true, my Jesus, these things I say to You. My words are sincere, they are not pretence; by Your grace I do not know how to pretend!
When, during these days, I offered You my almost unbearable pain, the heat of my fevers and often myself as a victim, I frequently thought, without wanting to: it is not pretence, Jesus, my offer is sincere, and all my sufferings – I suffer them for Your love and for souls.
What bitterness, what sad bitterness this thought – all without pretence – caused to my soul. Throughout these days of unspeakable suffering Our Lord has not allowed me to be attacked by the devil. Only once in a while he comes with his false words:
— Isn’t it true that you sin when you feel like it? Now that sickness afflicts you, do you not want joy? Do you not want pleasure?
Covering me with insults, he retires.
Oh my God, what a sea of suffering ahead of me! What a sad Thursday! How much falsity lies in store for me!
It is already night, I feel a great meeting, a gathering of great intimacy, conversations are encouraging. Two pictures so different are presented in my soul: a betrayal unique and a love unique. A love, a sweetness, a tenderness, and over this a heartless betrayal; no tears can explain it.
How many invitations, full of sweetness, to this betrayal. The traitor, Judas, resists, he does not yield, suffering, though he is, at the foot of the lamb, the innocent victim. I am not able to tell of the goodness and gentleness of Jesus. I want my soul to be a book where everyone can learn the kindness, tenderness and love of Jesus.