January 12, Friday
What pain is mine, oh my God! If it was not from You, who could countenance it? – the horror of the sufferings and the ecstasies on Fridays, the horror of the attacks of the devil!
Today I've had moments when it seemed to me that I was going to say ‘no’ to Jesus in everything.
I felt alone in prison, hands tied, eyes shut in deepest sorrow, lips closed, not answering anything. I felt my body broken by beatings and my body trampled underfoot. When feel like this, I remind myself of the suffering of Jesus who has allowed my crucifixion. I also felt my blood flowing from my heart as they trampled it underfoot. I felt movements of tender compassion in my soul for those who made me suffer. This was caused by my great horror of hell and the eternal loss of souls so that, instead of rejecting them, I wanted them, I loved them so as to save their souls. I saw that only pain could achieve this. The devil came to accompany these terrible sufferings. I fought with him, bathed in sweat. When he tried to instruct me in sin, he asked for my heart and my love, at least when I sinned with him and with others he recommended.
Horror, horror, horror! Moments of such danger.
I raised my eyes to Heaven to ask for help and the battle ceased. But it seems to me that if all Heaven came at that moment to tell me I had not sinned, I would hardly have believed it.
My Jesus, to be so often in a blazing fire and not be burned!
I could not breathe. The pain almost demented me. I kept my eyes steadfastly on Heaven telling Jesus that I did not want to sin. All the while my body remained on the cross, while I muttered: Jesus, I am Your victim. But if my pain increases, with the horror and the fear, I’ll not win. I cannot resist so much. You Yourself will have to suffer and endure for me, my Jesus; you well know that I can do nothing by myself. Jesus came and spoke to me so sweetly:
— My daughter, solitary flower, gift to humanity, saving pain, love which conquers everything ... My daughter, garden of paradise, I have planted in you; to you the world comes to gather flowers of virtue, flowers of love. My daughter, hidden treasure, in you are enclosed the divine riches.
The treasure is hidden, because almost everyone ignores what I placed in you. My daughter, white dove, angelical dove, your life is a song of praise to Jesus, to the whole Divine Trinity and to my Blessed Mother.
I come to you, I am in you, from this palace I cannot go away. The King does not leave his queen. You are a safe haven, are port of salvation, you are the shelter of sinners, the salvation of mankind. The war is terrifying? Fear not. The King with his queen, the queen with her powerful King, conquers all. The soldiers are steady, they fight for their King, they obey his mandates.
— O my Jesus, I am so small, how can you find me? I'm just misery, how can you fix your divine eyes on me? I'm ashamed, I cannot find you with mine. Have mercy on me. I'm a flower, I'm a garden, I'm all You say, because You sow, You cultivate; You are the gardener, You are the flower, You are everything, everything, everything, my Jesus.
You are the door of salvation, because You are that salvation. Realize and see my pain, have compassion for it. I want to love You and I cannot, I want to suffer for the world and I cannot suffer. I fear my dismay, I am afraid to fall in case I cannot stand up again.
— Fear not, beautiful flower, adornment of my divine Heart, fear not, because you are not alone, the angels accompany you day and night, they stand sentinel at the palace of my queen.
St. Joseph came and visited you. Did you see him with my Blessed Mother? The little child She had in her arms, with its arms around her neck, that was you, my daughter. You are the child of Jesus, you are also the child of Mary. With Her you will save the world which was entrusted to you, the world which has to be saved. I gave it to you, it’s yours, fear not, it has not been taken from you.
Did you see the panel that was behind and above my Blessed Mother and St. Joseph? It was the Divine Trinity, the Trinity who loves you, the Trinity who consoles Itself in you. It is Heaven looking to you, it is Heaven giving you life, the life by which you live, and for which you live. It is your Heaven and the Heaven of many souls whom you will save, souls that without your suffering would not be saved otherwise. They will enjoy Me, they will enjoy Heaven. They owe it to you, to your immolation, to your sacrifice, O my dear redemptrix.
Receive my love, O my love, give it, distribute it with generous abundance to all mankind. Soon will be known, all your pain, your matchless love will be made known.
— Thank you, Jesus. May the whole world be saved, may the whole world love You with unstinting and passionate love: these are my desires, my cravings. It is this and only this that is the cause of my suffering. I have so many yearnings and longings for Heaven! I want to fly there, and if I cannot get inside, I want to at least to tear the heart from my breast and place it in Paradise and say: Jesus, Heavenly Mother, here you have my heart, in it is the world, keep it, because it is Yours; I go to the earth to suffer and love, for as long as the world is world.
O, if I could do that! If I could offer this consolation to Jesus! Handing Him the whole world, all saved!
O my Jesus, do not let more souls go to hell: they are Yours, they are Your Blood, do not let them be lost.
Some days ago I began to have an inexplicable suffering (though I say something, I don’t say anything) for the children who have died without baptism and are in limbo. I cannot think that they pass through eternity without seeing the Lord, without enjoying Him, and at the same time I do not know if I feel the pity or the longing that the Lord has for little children. With my eyes on my crucifix, I came to tell Jesus to let me go to limbo to baptize them. If there was lack of water, I would open my chest and pour blood from my heart into a vessel. After christening all of them, I would leave the rest of the blood. The small children would go to Heaven, I would return to the earth, and remain as long as the world was he world, so that occasionally I could go there to baptize them.