APRIL 3 - Tuesday Easter

I have not lived, not risen with Jesus. My eyes did not see, my ears have not heard, my heart did not love, my body felt nothing but pain. The look of my eyes was not mine, nor the hearing of my ears, nor the feeling of my body, nor the love of my heart, nor the smile that covered all this, nothing of this was mine. Who did they belong to? Jesus knows, I cannot say anything. Joy is for those whom Jesus wants to give it, but not for me.

But I'm content. I do not live; He lives in souls with His divine life. I did not rise, may they arise to Jesus. I have no love to offer my Lord, may He accept the love of all hearts and the total offering of all His creatures. I have no language to praise Him, may He accept the praise of all heaven and earth. All heaven and earth praise and bless Him; only I, poor thing, am excluded, though I am part of it. I cannot join myself with the blessed in heaven, nor with the righteous of the earth. All the wickedness and misery of the world are mine.

Shame, horror! I lost my Jesus. What an eternal loss! Never again, never again can I see Him. There is no remedy for this loss. I cannot think. My soul cannot resist this pain; to lose Jesus, to lose Him forever...

Sometimes the fire in my heart seems to burn all my being. I can say that at times is almost unbearable[1].

How many times is this fire accompanied by great confusion, the great martyrdom of not resisting the ardor of such fire without cold water compresses. I suffer to see myself surrounded by people and have to express and make known this fire that burns me. I trust: if my Jesus gives me strength, I can hide and resist all with His grace.

Often, during the nights, I have seen Jesus, the Heavenly Mother and St. Joseph. Jesus does not always appear in the same way. Rarely did I speak, when I did it was only to be sure that was not a dream; otherwise, I kept my mouth closed and said nothing for fear of not telling the truth.

Tonight, I saw Jesus very bright, full of light, but with His holy head surrounded with a crown of extremely sharp thorns. It seemed to me not a dream but whether it was or not I thought it better to say nothing, to leave all hidden.

During the morning, I was alone, united to Jesus by saying my prayers. The devil came, angry and malicious, with dreadful threats. While I could, I immediately offered  myself to Jesus and the Heavenly Mother for souls. What a great fear of sin I experienced; I was full of fear! He told me ugly things which I do not know. I seemed that I was given up to the greatest pleasures, the greatest crimes.

– Jesus, save me, I do not want to sin!

Joined to the enjoyment was the pain of death; my heart was suffocating, I could not breathe. He danced with satisfaction, as if he was winning a battle. I was steeped in pain and did not know if I had sinned or not. It seemed to me that I had not be; however, I was very sad. Then my Jesus came.

– My daughter, beloved of my Divine Heart, you have not sinned, I was with you, I walk with you in pain, in love, in the struggle with the devil. I am with you in this abyss, in this immense sea of martyrdom in which you are immersed. I am the smile on your lips, hiding the pain and sorrow that you are buried in.

– O my Jesus, I trust that You are with me, that You are the victor within me. But why is it that even talking to You, I feel so much pain?

– To be complete my comfort, my beloved daughter; to complete your martyrdom, your reparation. Only in this way is the full advantage for souls gained. But I'm always, always in you.

Look, my daughter, whenever I appear to you and sometimes accompanied, it is not a dream, it is always reality. When you see me crowned, it is at times when men are crucifying me more[2].

When I appear to you, spreading abundant rays from my Divine Heart, it is to quench the thirst I have of you and to give you the treasures of My love, which you distribute the same souls.

When I come with my Blessed Mother and St. Joseph, it is to prove to you that all heaven is with you, that the greatest personages of heaven are always with you. It is heaven loving you, it is heaven accompanying you in your unrivaled Calvary. Suffer in peace, Heaven doesn’t delay, your eternal joy is near.

– Since this is so, my Jesus, comfort Yourself, rejoice in my pain. I do not want my joy, but yours; I do not want my triumph, but the triumph of souls. Receive my martyrdom and make my death the life of the world and my blindness the light of hearts. I want only to live for You, that it is only You the poor world sees, loves and blesses.

O my God, oh, how much agony there is in my heart, oh, how many cravings to conquer souls are stirring in me, swimming in the pain, bathed in the blood! Accept, Jesus, my desires, as I have nothing else! Come to my sadness to seek joy!

[1] I must undergo it before the Passion ... Now has greatly increased... It seems to take my life. On my birthday, some people were present and I was distressed. (Father Humberto’s note, who asked for an explanation).
[2] It happened that she saw our Lord in this attitude, many times and for many years, day and night. (Father Umberto's note).