ďSENTIMENTS OF THE SOULĒ
1945

FEBRUARY 8

 

My pain! Nor do I know to say. What a night so dark and sad! What horrors inside me! I feel that I cannot resist either. O pain, O pain, horrible torment! I cannot linger here any longer. Thus I said Jesus yesterday:

I cannot, cannot, my Love, stay here!

I want to leave the world and want to take it with me; I do not want it and I love it; I donít belong to it  and it is mine, I hate everything in the world and I want to hold it, embrace it to the point of no longer leave it.

O world, what can I do for you! I want to fly to heaven, I want to leave out of this exile, I want to go to my homeland and I want to take you with me; I want to get into heaven, but with all mankind.

Oh my Jesus, what should I do? O my Jesus, let me go to Limbo, do not forget are yours the souls that are there! I want to be a victim, take me to sacrifice for them! Give them Heaven, Heaven, Jesus, give it to them by your death, by the pain of dear Heavenly Mother!

I did not want to have a moment's rest for my body while the world was, wanted my life to be through all it from side to side without pausing a moment, always tread, always stepping thorns, in a bloodbath, in a single wound to liberate from the darkness the dear souls, daughters of thy blood, my Jesus! I do not know what more suffering I could wish for my body.

Hear my cry, my God and Lord! I accept all that is pain, I accept everything that is martyrdom, but I want the world saved and the souls of Limbo in Your glory! Itís by the love with which I want to love Thee, itís with the urge to give You the greatest consolation that I want to save and take to the heaven all daughters of Your Divine Heart. I love them because I see Thee in all them, I love them, because first of all and above all You are the preferred, O my Love.

Yes, I seem to be crazy for loving You! I do not feel the love I have for Thee, but I feel the madness for Thee. Yes, my Jesus, make me lose and disappear forever in Your infinite love!

The devil hates me, torments me. He appeared in front of me as a terrifying monster, he was big as a house. Went out from him so many snakes as thick as people, mouths open and tongues out several feet; stretched to near me. After a while, fell on my body the malicious morning of that damn. He took from me the chaplet: he didnít want it. He told me: "letís go to the pleasure," adding words of the very worst.

- One moment of pleasure deserves more - he said - that millions and millions of heavens.

Just when it seemed he had achieved what he wanted, eyes fixed on the sky, I cried many times:

- Save me, help me, O dear Heavenly Mother!

I felt the pain that I have explained to the Reverend Father. It was not a pain to take life, was pain to take all the lives, it seemed to me I lose mine. When this pain fell so heavily on me, damn raged more, he did not liked I felt it. His anger still more consumed my body. The Heavenly Mother came to help me, took me in her most holy arms and told:

- Here I am, my daughter, to defend you! Come into my arms, come to rest. It is the Mother to defend her daughter, the Mother to defend and console the most beloved wife of Jesus. Not sinned, dear daughter! These are moments of so much repair, so much love for Jesus! Courage, suffer happy!

- Oh Heavenly Mother, what martyrdom that costs me so much, I'm afraid of sinning! I'm ashamed to be in your presence and that of Jesus.

- Offer us all this, calm, you donít sin. Receive grace, purity and love.

She narrowed me to her Blessed Heart with so much love, covered me with kisses and pats and withdrew. Despite the life and comfort I have received, I long felt the pain that I said above. It pained me to resist. However, I trusted the Heavenly Mother, She was not fooling me. What would have become of me and what will still be without this comfort of Heaven!

O sad and bitter life! I suffer for everything. I still suffer the remorse, this moth which is gnawing on the souls of anyone. I love them both in Jesus and fear both their presence. I suffer with the misfortunes of someone who has hurt me so much. Is so great the pain I feel knowing that they suffer, I grieve for them.

There comes the death for me. What I see in myself! What I feel in my soul! What sad memories! I feel and see the torments that await me. I feel I'm stoned, the stones beat in my heart. I feel that I retreat the conviviality of people to flee into solitude to cry silently.

Oh, how many tears of loss, oh, how many tears of shame for me to see myself coated with all the evils and to be thus in the presence of the Eternal Father! Love compels me to pain. With mute lips, eyes closed, I give myself to everything: there I go for death. A rain of thorns falls on me, my body will be a leper. But I'm open arms, with a tender smile and a unique gentleness, hiding and disguising everything.

- Oh my Jesus, I just wanted to Thy greater honor and glory to know to say what happens within me, what You suffered for us! Oh what tenderness, O what goodness! The innocent, the innocent Jesus!

 

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