O my God, where can I flee to, if there is no hiding place for me!
Sad hours await me. I feel in myself an immense sea of suffering. It is as if death was is knocking on my door.
In spite of my ingratitude, ingratitude without limitation, I want all the suffering, I want to embrace it. Only pain and death will be the remedy for so many ills.
I am on my knees, bowed in the presence of the Eternal Father to be sacrificed as a martyr who willingly surrenders and bows before the executioner to be beheaded.
My soul is sorrowful even to death.
At the sight of so much suffering, it cannot have joy. If only my death could mean life for all mankind! O darkness, O horror, O my God, for many it is lost, all is lost!
My pains, my martyrdom, my death are worth nothing. I am crazy.
Now I get up, stretch my arms and with eyes of one who can see everything I fix them on the Eternal Father
Father, O my Father, here You have your victim, a victim who wants to save everyone; do not abandon me, do not let me be shrouded in darkness, delivered to the devil!
Poor me, my Jesus, what consuming anxieties!
I want the means, more ways to save the world: I do not find them, I do not know them. There is nothing else I can do for it. My heart is crazy, crazy for humanity, mad for souls.
If I had victims that would allow themselves to be sacrificed for me, so that I could save the souls that are lost, irretrievably lost! ...
O Jesus, I have nothing, nothing that I can make succeed. I wanted to go to limbo to baptize the souls there. I wanted to go to hell to deliver from there those who are condemned. Impossible!
O Jesus, have pity, have mercy, give at least the remedy that prevents the loss of more souls! Let hearts burn with zeal for love of them, hearts that love You on behalf of all hearts, victims who only think of letting themselves be immolated for love, and for all mankind.
What thirst, what thirst, Jesus, I have for souls! It is an
unbearable thirst. Oh how I yearn for Heaven! I am lying on the
bare ground, fainting, powerless to resist all this. May Your
love save me Jesus, yes, only Your love will be my strength!
Lets sin, let's enjoy ourselves! he said. Give me all that I ask of you, sin willingly, sin for love. Give me your heart. If I had it, Id have everything ...
Amidst this he mixed very ugly words and gestures. It seemed to me that I gave myself entirely to him, entirely delivered myself to him. Sometimes I was able to look upon the crucified Jesus, the infant Jesus, the Heavenly Mother and Saint Joseph. Rarely could I ask them to help me. In the tremendous struggle, at the height of my grief, my tongue was as unlocked, and I exclaimed:
No, to sin; no, to sin.
Save me, Jesus, I do
not want to stain my soul!
I was so sad! I felt my heart was a ball of blood. Alone, I unburdened myself to Jesus:
O my love, when will all this end? Everything terrifies me, Im afraid of offending You, Im afraid to speak to You, afraid of not loving You. What will become of me, Jesus!
Friday approaches with giant strides. I welcome whatever is from You. Watch over this nothingness of mine, have pity of this misery, misery without equal. I am always your victim, my love!